It's awfully quiet around the house without Carson. I am really missing him. This is different than when he spent 16 weeks in the NICU, I hadn't bonded with him the same way as I have now. He has his part in our family, a role to play, a hole in my heart to fill. He is not sleeping well on a strange bed and I am not sleeping well without him kicking me all night (yes he still co-sleeps.) I desperately want him home, and he cries to come home every time I visit. It rips my heart out to have to leave a child that is begging, and negotiating to come home. "Please Mom, I just want to go home. I'll try so hard to be good, really I promise."
The thing he doesn't understand is that he isn't there as a punishment, he is there to keep the rest of the family safe. His behavior had escalated to the point that the violence was going to really hurt somebody. Trying to live with himself after doing irreparable damage to a sibling, friend, or animal would have had lifelong negative consequences. I'm praying that his time in the hospital will have lifelong positive consequences.