Sunday, November 18, 2012

I Left My Heart

Secrets have power.  I realized that when I was about twenty-seven.  Admitting that my childhood had been peppered with abuses was a direction I did not want to take.  Being honest about life scared me. Clinical depression and anxiety had become the norm until I followed the example of my awesome sister and got myself into therapy. As a result, Jeanna and I have become more open and honest about everything. Some things aren't fun to admit, but they are the truth.

My sweet buddy Carson has been struggling for some time.  I had my doubts about writing all of this down, but hiding his health issue would be the same as saying that I was embarrassed of it, and I am not.  I never want him to be embarrassed either and I never want him to feel the sting of loneliness that can come when one feels their diagnosis is somehow unique.

Carson is one of what I imagine to be tens, if not hundreds of thousands of children who suffers with extreme anxiety, and likely depression.  This isn't something that just popped up out of the blue.  We have been aware of the anxiety for many years.  I've known that at some point that he would need treatment beyond what I could give him and that it would mean putting him on medications to treat what I believe is a chemical imbalance.  That time has come.  After dealing with some very volatile, uncontrollable behavior, Jeff and I checked Carson into the hospital for treatment.

Waiting for admission to the mental health unit.
My thoughts are all over the place.  I miss my son.  At the time that I'm writing this, he has only been away overnight...but I miss him.  I spent the first night with him in the children's hospital waiting for a bed to open up in the appropriate location.  Once the hospital had a place for him, we were asked to leave him and limit our visitation so that he can be doing the work that needs to be done.  The drive home was a lonely one.

I vacillate between confidence that the right choice has been made, to thinking that it seems like overkill to hospitalize a little ten year old for psychological help.  I blame myself for neglecting to get him help until he was in crisis mode.  Leaving him there was leaving a piece of my heart.  Hopefully, he will be home soon, ready to be part of a family that functions as a unit. I look forward to his return and bringing with him the piece of my heart that is missing. 

I look forward to being whole again. 


Rachel said...

I only know you through the internet world, but I KNOW that you are an amazing Mom. Good for you for seeking treatment for Carson. I will keep you, Carson and the rest of your family in my constant prayers.

Scott and Katy Adams said...

I love you are doing the right thing for him! Loving can be so hard, but it will all be ok!! ((hugs))