Last week, I watched Oprah interview Marie Osmond. Marie's son committed suicide about 9 months ago and she had decided to do one, (and only one), interview. Can't blame the girl, I wouldn't want to publicly answer question after question about something so incredibly personal and painful. I thought she did a wonderful job and made some very profound comments that really resonated with me.
What really stuck with me the most (and I'm paraphrasing) was when she began talking about how we all seek knowledge when what we really need is wisdom. She felt like she had gained some wisdom in her son's death. The comment was made that instead of saying "I'm so proud of you," to her kids, she would now say "You must be so proud of yourself." The reason for this was because she said she'd learned that you cannot give your kids self esteem, they have to earn it. I've spent some time over the past few days contemplating exactly how a person earns self esteem. When I think about the things that have given me my sense of self, only some of them come from my family of origin. Now, I'm not sure if that's because of the dysfunction I grew up with or if you only learn a portion of your self esteem from your parents and siblings.
I came to the conclusion that self esteem comes from several places. I think the place where we as parents can influence our children's self esteem is by teaching them the difference between self worth and self esteem. Self worth is a given, a certain intrinsic value that we have just because we are children of God. Self esteem comes from external forces and behaviors. If we rely entirely on our self esteem we miss half the picture. We have to know that we are valuable simply because it is a birthright. (Thank you Andrea for teaching me this...You are a wise soul.) I think my job as a parent is to be available and supportive as my kids have successes and failures out in the world. To be the place that they can return and be reminded of their self worth. To be the people who love them unconditionally and instill in them a knowledge that they are children of a Heavenly Father which makes their value immeasurable... Their self esteem will need to be earned through their actions.
In thinking back to when I began to get a little self esteem, it was when I was in High School and became a part of a gymnastics team and a dance troupe. I felt like I belonged to something bigger than myself. I was accepted as a part of a group, a sort of surrogate family. We worked hard as a team and wanted what was best for each member. We were only as good as our weakest link. We experienced a lot of success because of our team attitude. I think a sense of belonging is a big piece of self esteem.
I think it's equally (if not more) important that people feel like they are contributing positively to society. Those contributions don't have to be huge, it can be as little as making a stranger smile from across the counter at McDonalds , or helping a sick neighbor, or doing work for a family member. It may sound rather simplistic but I think a huge part of self esteem boils down to service. Not just any service (although that is a start) but service that you are passionate about (again, it can be something as simple as making people smile.) It just has to matter to you. I need to find ways that we can make contributions as a family, and find out what really matters to them, so that my children begin to learn the joy of service.
I hope Marie Osmond knows that she was in service to many people when she got on national TV and discussed what I can only imagine has been a terribly trying time in her life. Listening to her made me take a real inventory of myself and my parenting. May God bless her and her family for sharing her story.
Hopefully, we will all be better for it.
