You Get What You Need

Continued...(from here)

In my adult life, there have been a few things I've really wanted. I really wanted the first little baby I was pregnant with, I really wanted Mom to outlive Dad, and I really wanted autism to skip my kids. And, I just assumed that all those things would go just the way I had planned.

Sometimes, things don't go as planned. They go the way they should. Painfully better.

I thought the loss of our first baby would kill me. I have never felt pain as deep as when I was told that the 12 week baby we had simply named Junior, was in my tube and could not be allowed to continue to grow. The pregnancy had to be ended immediately. It was a crushing blow that only got worse when I found out that my remaining tube was completely blocked. Our options for having a family suddenly changed. I was angry, hurt, deflated. And as life goes, it wound up being the best thing to happen to me.

After two more years, thousands upon thousands of dollars, and 5 frustrating attempts at IVF, we were finally pregnant.  Pregnant with four of the most incredible blessings I have ever received. A pregnancy that never would have happened if not for the loss of the first baby. Four little miracles that survived despite serious prematurity and have become the reason I exist.  Four teeny babies who are turning ten in a couple of weeks.

I learned that I don't know the whole picture. That I can only see as far as today. That sometimes what I want isn't what I need.

Coming to the realization that Mason and Carson are autistic was not what I wanted. Having Mom die two years ago wasn't how I'd planned things to go either. But, I learned from the loss of my little Junior that there had to be a reason things hadn't gone the way I wanted.

When Mom died, I lost the buffer between me and my dad. She always promised us that she would outlive him and that we wouldn't have to care for him in his old age. Dad had quintuple bypass surgery a number of years ago so I always assumed that he would be gone before her. But now I believe Mom left early to give Dad the opportunity to get to know his children.

Dad had heart valve replacement surgery in January and I had the privilege of helping care for him. Had Mom been here, I would have just let her be the one to stay in the ICU with him, and maybe I would visit for 20 minutes. Instead, I got to hang out with him for four days. 

I really thought that I would never want to get to know him...I was wrong.

Like I said before, I see the boys in my dad, and I really love my boys. When they do something quirky, something exactly like Dad would do and I would have found irritating, my feelings about my dad change. It was hard to love my autistic father but loving my autistic boys is easy. My boys have completely changed the way I see Dad.

One day I hope my boys find a woman who loves them as much as my mom loved my dad. Someone who sticks with them, even when things are really tough. A woman who is willing to spend 53 years of her life loving them in spite of their quirks. And I really hope they have children that can see through their autism and learn to love and accept them for who they are.

Like I finally have with Dad.