Counting Time

Today marks the second month since Mom died...

Jeanna feeding Mom her dinner just 4 days before she died.

At first, I counted days. Now after about 8 weeks, I think I'll  just count half months.  Eventually, I will drop the half months and just count full months then on to half years and then years.  It's a little like what you do if you are blessed with a healthy new baby.  The counting is the same, it's just for a different reason.  You're joyously counting the days, then weeks, then months that you've had them, not the time since you've lost them.
We have all the firsts to get through as well.  I finally had a day when I didn't wake up crying...that was a first.  I've also had a day when it wasn't the first thing I thought about that day.  Another important first.  It doesn't mean that I miss her less or love her less, just that some of the intese pain has served it's purpose so I can shelve it for now. I'm sure as we go through all the upcoming firsts this year  (Thanksgiving, New Year's, Christmas, Mom's Birthday...)  I imagine that intense pain may be taken down from the shelf and felt once again.
On Saturday, Jeanna is getting married.  I imagine that the night will be bitter-sweet.  She is marrying a man who loves and adores her and Mom will not be there (physically anyway) to celebrate with us.  How I wish she could be there.  She loved her kids and lit up when she was with her grandkids and great-grandkids.  Her sweet face will sorely be missed.
And missing Jeanna's wedding...well, I guess that counts as a first.

I know that one day I will be saying that it has been 5, 10, 15 years since losing mom and in a way, I can't wait for that.  Time doesn't heal, but what you do with that time does. Thank God that time just keeps marching on, giving us opportunity for healing and growth with each tic of the clock.